I’d love you, if ONLY…..

March 8^th, 2015 

Conversations with Cooper

I’d love you, if ONLY….. 

Currently I’m house/pet sitting for a set of the most strikingly beautiful Balinese cats.  It’s been said that when we find our passion all things flow in our life.

 Pets have always been my passion. I grew up with dogs and, as a single mother raising three children, gave them the gift of growing up with an assortment of pets. 

I’ve discovered that my passion of caring for other people’s pets in their home is one of my greatest experiences of fullfilment and happiness. 

I was sitting with the cats at the time I received the call from Christine, my 23 year old daughter, distraught and in tears repeating the words, “Mom you’d better come over ….Mom you’d better come over”…. 

My typical response to anyone that’s notably upset, is to ask them to take a breath and calm down.

 Their typical response is to continue to be upset, out of breath, at times hysterical, but most definitely, worked up.  

 I continue to repeat the calm instructions, asking them to breathe and calm down, so that I can understand what has upset them, and then determine what is within my power to do.

 It’s second nature for me to be the ‘calm in the eye of the storm’ and I’m grateful for such a gift in the face of difficult challenges. 

 I am able to guide others to collect themselves and become grounded so that their emotions are somewhat in check, for a brief moment. 

 Then they can focus on one small step at a time, not taxing their bodies and emotions to such extreme lengths.  

 Although the emotions still need to stream through their consciousness, with calmness comes a wave of ability to manage and steer through the confusion and upset. 

My daughter Christine continued to repeat the words between her tears, the pitch increasing as she gasped to catch her breath.

 My mind moved to question if her sister was okay because of her degree of panic.  In the background, the voice of her caregiver calmly encouraged her to ‘slow down and calm down’, advising her that ‘Mom’  had no idea what was happening and would perhaps worry the entire driving distance if she had no inkling of the problem.

The words eventually spilled out, ‘Poppa called,-- Nana’s gone. She died in her sleep last night.  I knew she was sick at Christmas time, but she was getting better!’…... my mom had passed away in her sleep and my Dad had phoned to let my daughter know.

At that point there was an immediate silence between us.  She had calmed down and I was processing the news. Not shocked, not panicked, just the matter of fact processing of information.

 ‘Christine, as you know, they don’t talk to me…. I didn’t even know she was sick,’ I uttered redundantly, as neither of my parents have spoken to me in years.  

 Several years ago, a difference of opinion resulted in my parents’ decision to disown me as their daughter -- a contradiction, I used to think, as far as being loved unconditionally!  Adopted as a newborn in Argentina by my Canadian parents, I was strongly influenced by my father and raised to be independent, resourceful, and capable.

Christine and I spent time on the phone with very little talking, just breathing and being together, as I held space for her to feel her emotions and allowed her to cry out in pain as she needed to. 

My tears came shortly after I hung up the phone as I sat on the couch processing the news. My tears were short lived -- a flow moving through me -- coupled with a sadness, realizing that she was gone.  

 My feelings moved to a sense of gratitude for the things that she’d done for my brother and me as we grew up -- gratitude for all that she sacrificed, as mothers do, in their dedication to their children.  I was gratefully aware of the things that I learned from my mom. 

I found myself wishing my Mom had survived my Dad. I thought, in many ways she would have been stronger than what I assume he will be.

 In those moments, I experienced my deepest feelings of sadness and regret, imagining how shocked, saddened, alone, and overwhelmed he would have been, discovering, as he woke up, that his wife was gone.  

 What really made me sad was imagining the call he would have made to 911:  the ambulance, the shock, confusion and the chaos that would ensue from there. 

The only mother that I have ever known has passed now. We weren’t close for all the years that I recall, although I hopefully brought her joy as a baby and a little girl. 

There must have been a time that the love we shared was unconditional.

All of us are given certain gifts that are unique to who we are, and they are as varied as we are as individuals. One of my gifts if my affinity to animals.  Dogs and cats connect with me at a very deep level…. with an instant, trusting bond, -- animal love. 

Unconditional love is what pets share with their owners.

 I’ve wondered what my life would have been like if I had experienced the same level of unconditional love from my parents that I have experienced with my pets – especially the love that I share with Cooper and that he shares with me.

I believe pets bring us our greatest experiences of unconditional love. Always happy and excited to see and be with us,  they are accepting of all things.

 They offer pure love, simply for the sake of offering love -- and I believe they allow us a safe space to share our love in return. 

My mom passed through this life with the inability to extend unconditional love towards me as her daughter. 

My quest is to live like Cooper, to continually learn and expand my ability to love wholeheartedly, to live fully, and to accept with excitement and happiness all the opportunities that come my way.

The lessons continue....................