Men-o-Paws

Men-o-Paws 

Over the past several weeks, I've noticed that Cooper's mood at bedtime seems to be changing into that of a [somewhat] grumpy old man.

Anxiously, he jumps up and joins me on the bed and, in his inelegant, heavy-footed manner lands on top of me, pinning me to my pillow-and-mattress as a way to ensure that he's as close to me as physically possible.  His face is in my face, head down, eyes up, ensuring that I'm fully aware of his presence and that he's claimed me as his as we prepare ourselves for slumber.

Lately, his routine has taken on the initial “dig in as close to mom as possible” movements and then, after a few moments of cuddling in tight, he rolls to his left side, stretches out on the opposite side of the bed and continues to look at me [now from one eye] to make sure that I'm still in the same place.

As I settle in with my smart phone to begin my nightly meditation, deep breathing and getting focused for my centering time, I hear the beginning of a low moan that eventually builds into a crescendo of disgust. 

Before I can figure what I’ve done to annoy him, he jumps down off the bed and treads back to the living room … to either the couch or his bed.  To the best of my knowledge, I didn't move my legs over to 'his' side of the bed. I didn't adjust, move over, or take more than my allotted space on the bed. I’m perplexed at what I inadvertently did to offend him to the point that left me to enjoy the full space of the mattress to myself! 

He's truly becoming a grumpy old man.
 
Recently I, too, have been noticing a little bit of grumpiness within myself towards an unexpected, and seemingly increasing change in my skin.  In the past, if I've used a different soap or cleanser, my sensitive skin will react instantly and leave me with a dry patch of skin. Once I realize what's caused it and discontinue the use of that product, within a day or two it will settle down.

For the past two-plus weeks this situation has occurred again, however this time it has flared up, becoming far worse than it's ever been.  Hives? or an allergic reaction to something in the environment?  perhaps unrecognized stress or something I've ingested?  

Or, it could simply be related to the start of new biological changes in my body due simply to age! 
 
Being a logical, analytical thinker, it has been a challenge for me to simply accept what feels like a radical change in my always perfect, healthy complexion. 


When I look in the mirror and see my physical self differently than I used to less than a month ago, the experience  has connected me to an awareness of my conscious thoughts.  

This disconnect, between the ego and the heart, queries how much do I really love and accept myself despite my outward appearance? 

My physical body is beginning to transition through other biological changes as well, which I have not necessarily accepted with tremendous appreciation and gratitude.  I have been in 'resistance'  -- a result of the shock of, what feels like, drastic overnight change. 

My intention and belief has always been that I will easily live to be 100 years old. Later this year I'll be turning 54 and I realize that, doing the math, I'm currently in the 'mid' stage of my life.  

Now it begins to make sense why Cooper becomes grumpy at times -- for what appears to be no direct cause.  Almost 7 years old, he is transitioning to his 'middle age' as well, which helps to explain his meno--paws trials and tribulations.   

A few days ago, I was not readily accepting the current and obvious changes of my own menopause.  Through meditation, contemplation, conversations with friends, research on-line, holistic practitioners and the medical community, I explored the potential causes of this skin rash. I have done muscle testing for food, used products to heal the rash and, in the end, it appears that it's simply an adjustment to the change in my hormone levels. 

Yesterday, I started thinking about how Cooper handles life. What would he do if he was aware that life was changing around him, relative to his confidence about things in the past?  Would he question who he was, would he feel insecure or less confident about his appearance because of external physical changes beyond his control?   

I decided that, NO!  he would not. He would continue to love who he is because that's the reason he was put on the earth to begin with. He has a recent small growth on the outside of his right eye which appears to be age-related and of which he is unaware.  It bothers me far more than it does him. 

I realized that the reason it bothers me comes from a deep, core-belief of mine that still spins and spirals -- the need for perfection in all that I do.  I learned at a very young age how to survive, thrive, and be accepted by ‘being perfect' in my behavior and presence.  

The continuing lesson:   to deepen the loving acceptance and love for myself, regardless of any rash or other naturally-occurring biological changes. 

If my soul, spirit and being are really what I'm about [ and they ARE! ] then, what counts in the end is the inward trek to a deeper love for myself.

My spirit and soul will continue into infinity, my physical body will not. My choice is to love, enjoy, honour and accept my physical body as it is, and as it will be.  I'm choosing to follow Cooper's zest for life, regardless of the growth on his eye or his grumpy mood at bedtime.

The moments we seize bring us the greatest joy. I now have a logical explanation for why my skin is changing in, what feels like, drastic ways. However, now that I'm giving it less focus from a view of frustration and negativity and more from a loving, gentle, kind and compassionate space, I also have the faith that it will resolve itself in due course.

As a dear friend reminded me just recently…. to share some kindness in the world by starting with myself.....

The lessons continue..................